The Bran Report

It's good for parts of you that you'd probably rather not think about.

Saturday, March 17, 2007


Smart: does it mean "intelligent", "educated", "capable" or "crafty"?

Go-to: does it mean "first choice", "stand-by" or both of these?

Sima (verb): to find in the street. This is unlikely to catch on, since it takes about the same amount of effort to say "I sima'd ninepence this weekend" and "I pick up pennies I see in the gutter because they are non-neglible fraction of my weekly income". Also, it sounds like the horrible English voice saying "simmer". It's really more of an exclamation to silently rejoice with when you ctach a glint of copper in the corner of your eye.

I have just come from work and have to be back there in eight hours. I have made some bad life decisions.

Friday, March 16, 2007

Tin ears and sausage fingers

I actually intend to learn four of these. One, I'll just learn the first ten seconds of and then say "Only joking!"

If my housemates don't murder me1, I'll certainly be at risk of having my Atheist Membership Card taken away2. So, uh, keep it under your hats, OK?

1. They'll plead "Not guilty by reason of mangled G-chords" and get a year's imprisonment, suspended.
2. And I do so love imposing my agenda on America's media and lawmakers. Not so much for the conspiracy and power, more that the get-togethers always have the very best gefilte and caviar.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007


When I grow up I want to be Ryan North.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007


It has been less than four days since the end of term. I have read the first 469 comics in the Questionable Content archives and now i am making eBay bids on guitars.


Sunday, March 11, 2007

Shillings and pence

OK guys. I have decided what you should call money from now on. No more of this "ten pee" nonsense.

Penny and Tuppence are obviously givens.

Next, it starts to get controversial. The five-pence-piece is going to reclaim its status as a shilling. I know that "Back in the day" a shilling would buy a pint of bitter, a pack of cigarettes and bus fare home but anyone who remembers the pre-decimal years is used to being ignored by now.

Now, when American films refer to a nickel-and-dime operation, we can subtitle it with "shilling and pence".

I don't know why we don't already refer to the other silver coins as a rose and lion.

50p becomes the half-crown. I know a crown isn't a pound, but who uses crowns anymore? Norweigans and nobody, that's who.

The pound coin is already a quid, but from now on I want you all to refer to the bimetallic two-pound coin as a doubloon.

A five-pound note is an old lady, or blues in plural.

A Ten will be a Darwin, or finches in plural.

A Twenty will be an Elgar.

A fifty-pound note will be called a red flag.

Pass it on.