The Bran Report

It's good for parts of you that you'd probably rather not think about.

Saturday, March 03, 2007

La Carte Blanche

If I ever found a university:

Each sudent will be issued with a single card. This card can be used, once, to say "I don't want to do that".

I would so use it on the Sustainable Management module. I would use it, metaphorically, nine times.

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Excerpts from my Adium logs

15:02:39 The further I get into this work, the more I regret not embarking on a career as an international man of mystery
15:03:10 I mean, electrical systems integration is fun at first, but I can;t help thinking I'd have had even more fun cheatin' at cards in Rio
15:14:24 But on the other hand, how much more likely are you to be, for example, brutally murdered if you were an international man of mystery?
15:14:32 The only real risk involved in your work is papercuts.
15:14:41 Unpleasant though they are.
15:14:42 And rsi
15:15:02 And bad posture
15:15:25 And listening to the same track ovcer and over and hating yourself for your addiction
15:16:07 Teardrop by massive attack?
15:16:21 Actually, it's "The End" by the Doors
15:16:26 (Currently for me it's Joga by Bjork)
15:16:30 Thouugh your guess does have more than a hundred plays
15:17:13 My top one is each coming night by Iron&Wine with 55
15:17:27 Followed, oddly, by The Blower's Daughter by Damien Rice
15:17:37 I'm not keen on that one
15:17:41 then "ain't got no - I got life" by Nina Simone, of which I am very proud
15:17:53 Eskimo would have a bajillion more plays if it didn't have an hour of silence on the end
15:18:00 I'm surprised by New Slang coming in at 9
15:18:10 yeah, ture
15:18:26 Hey, Johnny Park! by the foo fighters is a surprise entry at number 7, but I do love that song
15:18:58 And I should be working
15:19:02 Sorry, see ya
15:19:06 Righto
15:19:07 Peace

18:09:08 gracejohnson60: hi
18:09:49 selvrtanni: Well, high, Grace Johnson 60.
18:10:10 gracejohnson60: yes
18:10:17 gracejohnson60: and you?
18:10:27 selvrtanni: The fact that I malapropped there should tell you that I'm a little distracted. I'm actually kind of working at the moment.
18:11:36 gracejohnson60: AM 21 YRE
18:11:44 gracejohnson60: AND YOU ,
18:11:46 gracejohnson60: ?
18:11:52 selvrtanni: Here that's a coincidence, I'm 23
18:12:17 selvrtanni: Not so much s coincidence as a vauge agreement, but still
18:12:24 gracejohnson60: am from Abidjan,Cote d'Ivoire
18:23:52 gracejohnson60: can you assist me in assist me in transfer of this sum of Three million, Five hundred thousand United State Dollars.($3.500,000)to your account ?
18:24:13 selvrtanni: Now, why would you want to do that?
18:26:29 gracejohnson60: ok send me an email now so i can tell you more

20:51:50 how's life up north
20:51:58 ?
20:52:06 Not so bad
20:52:18 How's the capital?
20:52:22 good
20:52:32 not ankle deep in mice!!
20:52:43 ANKLE DEEP!
20:52:49 It's a nightmare!
20:52:55 Oh, it makes me laugh.
20:53:13 you were the one who said it was ankle deep
20:53:18 ANKLE DEEP!
20:53:21 He he.
20:53:27 thank you!
20:53:32 you got jo all worried!
20:53:42 That's what makes it so delicious.
20:54:04 although she did guess that you were exaggerating
20:54:10 The elements of the fantastic and horrific.
20:54:14 It's brilliant.
20:54:26 It makes my life i nthe tedious east midlands a little brighter.

16:52:24 nathanhilluk: So
16:52:28 nathanhilluk: Winter 2007
16:52:34 seymourparadise: Yes?
16:52:38 nathanhilluk: Trip to Kygizstan
16:52:42 seymourparadise: What?!
16:52:51 nathanhilluk: It's so off-the-beaten-track, I can't even spell it
16:52:54 seymourparadise: hahahaha
16:53:01 nathanhilluk: So indie
16:53:04 seymourparadise: So alive
16:53:34 nathanhilluk: None of your friends at the coffee shop will be able to say "Man, the central-asian former Soviet republics are SO LAST YEAR"
16:53:42 seymourparadise: I hope that its terrain is covered in snow with winds that pick it up and blind you with it
16:54:01 seymourparadise: And I'll walk through and scream, "THIS IS SO FAULKNER"
16:54:47 nathanhilluk: I do seriously want to visit Beshbalik
16:54:54 nathanhilluk: Wait...
16:54:59 nathanhilluk: I now need to check this
16:55:09 nathanhilluk: Is Beshbalik in Kyrgistan?
16:55:21 seymourparadise: Your guess is better than mine
16:55:27 seymourparadise: wikipedia...
16:55:28 nathanhilluk: OK
16:55:31 nathanhilluk: It is
16:55:36 seymourparadise: So what's inspired this/
16:55:41 nathanhilluk: K Y R G Y Z
16:55:42 nathanhilluk: stan
16:55:47 seymourparadise: Lots of laying on the ground?
16:56:03 nathanhilluk: Lots of no-one being here
16:56:15 nathanhilluk: Also, I listend to a podcast from Bokharra, Uzbekistan
16:56:27 seymourparadise: It only took you two days to crack?
16:56:43 seymourparadise: See, think of the great schemes you could've generated in the sleep study
16:56:53 seymourparadise: You'd be ready to become an astronaut
16:56:57 seymourparadise: Or a cosmonaut
16:57:19 nathanhilluk: The capital of kyrgyzstan is Beshik
16:57:26 nathanhilluk: No, Bishkek
16:57:47 seymourparadise: Hahaha
16:58:16 nathanhilluk: Beshbalik is starting to sound like Sid Meir invented it
16:58:50 seymourparadise: Mongolians?
16:59:05 nathanhilluk: Indeed
16:59:08 nathanhilluk: Oh wait, no
16:59:21 nathanhilluk: It's just called Ürümqi now
17:00:01 seymourparadise: Sounds like a great trip
17:00:39 nathanhilluk: Sounds like Dysentry and getting shot by rebels for a cause you can;t pronounce
17:01:16 seymourparadise: Sounds like winter 2007
17:01:26 nathanhilluk: Tastes like victory

17:22:43 gracejohnson60: hi
17:23:44 selvrtanni: Oh hey, it's you again
17:24:01 gracejohnson60: YES
17:24:17 gracejohnson60: how are you?
17:24:29 selvrtanni: Kind of in a time-crunch, to be honest.
17:24:43 gracejohnson60: why?
17:25:42 selvrtanni: I'm working on a report, and I find that my enthusiasm for it has reached zero before my progress has reached 100. I have no desire to work on this tomorrow, so I'm trying to churn it out before night-fall. Hence, my away status.
17:26:28 gracejohnson60: ok
17:26:37 gracejohnson60: thet
17:26:43 gracejohnson60: is good
17:27:34 selvrtanni: Yeah, it's a regular friggin' carnival.
17:29:35 gracejohnson60: i hope you recieved the message i sent to you
17:30:16 selvrtanni: I can answer yes, if you're discussing the one we discussed last time. Otherwise, I'll go with no.
17:31:20 gracejohnson60: then what is your position
17:31:38 gracejohnson60: Buzz!!
17:31:43 selvrtanni: My advice remains unchanged: get thee to an embassy.
17:32:02 gracejohnson60: i don' understand
17:32:26 gracejohnson60: what will the embassy do for me in this case
17:33:00 selvrtanni: Pick a country you like the look of, and go to their embassy. Say "Hey, I've been the victim of political intimidation. How does your country feel about offering me asylum? FYI, I have millions of francs to bring with me."
17:33:19 selvrtanni: They'll be very keen to welcome your money to their country.
17:34:00 gracejohnson60: that means you are willing to assist me
17:34:34 gracejohnson60: Buzz!!
17:35:07 selvrtanni: Not really, beyond repeating lines from Hamlet with "nunnery" replaced by "embassy"
17:35:42 gracejohnson60: you speaks in parables i don't understand
17:35:59 selvrtanni: Sorry, just being obtuse.
17:36:19 gracejohnson60: can you give me your telephone so i can call you to discuss it with you in details
17:37:08 selvrtanni: No. Not until you clarify why you should want my help instead of the help of embassy staff who know ANYTHING about Cote D'Ivoire, emigration, financial transfers, and so forth.
17:37:17 selvrtanni: What I'm asking is "Why me?"
17:37:57 gracejohnson60: because i believe you can do it
17:38:07 selvrtanni: On what grounds?
17:38:43 gracejohnson60: since i have prayed and fasted for God to provide me with a honest person that will not betray me at last
17:39:10 selvrtanni: And God told you to hit up a arandom dude on the internet?
17:39:21 selvrtanni: I have an 8-ball that can do that.
17:39:49 gracejohnson60: what do you mean by an 8-ball

17:23:43 HURRICANES!
17:36:32 AAAAHAH
17:36:44 NO
17:36:48 NOOOOOOOO
17:39:25 Oh" the humanity!
17:39:39 Here's a fun little application that allows you to be scared all the time
17:40:12 But only if you've got a mac! :)
17:40:38 These things are awesome
17:40:45 A peek into the human condition
17:41:15 Perhaps when civilization is destroyed distant generations will judge us by our Dashboard Widgets
17:41:42 I want dashboard widgets
17:41:54 That's literally amazin
17:42:22 Well then, you should switch to an essentially equivalent operating system with different proprietary software and fewer applications
17:42:27 It'll mnake you cooler, too
17:42:31 Unless advertising has lied to me
17:42:50 Because actual mirrors are in short supply
17:43:07 No natural substance can accurately reflect light
17:43:18 It's so true
17:43:41 How about this?
17:44:11 Am I the only person who judges everything by what hypothetical future archeologists will make of it?
17:44:35 Ask around, I figure if anyone else does that, you're more likely to find 'em at Oxford than anywhere else
17:44:36 I want them to judge me on this.
17:44:38 Arr
17:46:22 What about future schoolchildren going to a museum to see the tattered front page of the Mirror, complete with Britney trying to break a car window with an umbrella?
17:46:41 That'll be their equivalent of woodcuts about gin drinking.
17:46:54 "The Hogarth of the 21st Century"
17:47:19 Exactly
This is so esoteric, I want one.
17:48:31 I have a widget that counts down to the day of my predicted death. It's especially poignant since I only ever look at them when I'm wasting time.
17:48:42 I'm trying to find the most inane widget
17:48:46 So far, it's Wyoming
17:49:04 Ah, the roads of Wyoming
17:49:07 My old nemesis
17:50:22 Man, or what if our lives are judged based on a USB mouse and a DVD of Scrubs Series Five?
17:50:42 A cappacino maker and a DOlly Parton CD?
17:50:49 They'll think our entire culture was based on Zach Braff's humor
17:50:58 The archives of Something Awful?
17:51:18 They will paint us as a civilisaton of thirtysomethng men who have commitment issues relating to their absent fathers!
17:51:26 That took forever to type
17:51:34 I love conservapedia
17:51:37 Well, anthropology is difficult
17:51:46 Particularly what it says on special relativty
17:52:05 It exists in the terrifying world where 50% of it's users think it's a joke and 50% are deadly serious, and neither realises the other exists
17:52:12 OK, we've found our most boring one
17:52:30 And this HAS to be a joke
17:53:09 It's a webcam at the Dobson Hill motorway junction, but with "UFO Webcam" written on it
17:53:27 And a squashed fly on the screen
17:53:31 And some photoshopped bird crap

Sunday, February 25, 2007


You're not wrong, Randall.