The Bran Report

It's good for parts of you that you'd probably rather not think about.

Saturday, December 16, 2006

Only what you take with you

I just had a train of thought that terminated at "That'd show everybody". I'm worried that I might be falling to the dark side.

Interesting side note: I sometimes lie awake at night and I get very sad because I'll never be a Jedi.

Where there's brass

As you know, I hate work.

My long-term plan is to find some kind of job that's close enough to what I would be doing with my time anyway. With a bit of luck, that way I won't go stir-crazy and retreat to live as a hermit in the forests of South Devon (tangent: that's where I intend to set up a compound after the collapse of society).

Still, the time has come when I have to go into a recruitment agency and say "I haf an IQ of 158". If they ask me what skills or experience I have, I intent to gently weep. Monday morning is the day I get told to cut my hair and stop slouching. Monday morning is the day I start shilling for the man.

In particular, I fear being put in telemarketing or customer service. I'm too honest, too cynical and too averse to cliché. If someone asks me why they should buy an extended warranty, I won't be able to stop myself saying "Because I'm starving".

What I need is a job where no-one cares what you look like. A job that places absolutely no demands on your personality. A job where having done physical labour in a mine with Polish guys is an asset.

Refuse Sorters/Loaders/Street Cleaners required for Oxford area. Hours of work include 6.30-2.45pm. Candidates must be physically fit. £6.00 p/h


Thursday, December 14, 2006

Three questions

Guys, I have three questions for you.

1) How did a sensible person like me leave a lab report mostly undone until the day before the deadline?

2) Am I the only person who thinks "its" is a stupid way of writing "the possesive of it" ?

3) How did it get to 12:51?

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Write it in your dictionaries

Today's word is bought to you by an internet comic about Dungeons and Dragons characters who come up with an escape plan that involves disguising themselves as Final Fantasy characters.


Three gratifying things

1) Despite my shocking laziness on the current lab report, people keep sending me emails on the assumption that I can solve their problems.

2) There is no truer tribute than being quoted in someone's AIM status message.

3) Constructing flow duration curves is strangely relaxing, like origami or flower arranging. I could make these all day.

Monday, December 11, 2006


OK, you asked for it. Which is to say, one person in the comments told me I was being cryptic and all the time I'm blogging, I'm not worrying my head about Pelton wheels.

Project Awesome: a winter undertaking

Tonight: Stop blogging and worry my head about Pelton Wheels.

Tomorrow: Convert my worry into .png and .tex files. Buy a bus ticket.

Wednesday: Redeem my bus ticket for travel to the dreaming spires. Write as I go. Submit my analysis and apologetics by email.

Thursday: Look for work in Oxford. Secretly hope not to find any.

Friday- 2007: Mornings: Search for PhD placements in Britain, America and the Commonwealth.
Evenings: Play poker, eat potatoes and gravy, debate whether Luke was right or wrong to leave Degobah.

Also, I guess I'll tell you about Edinburgh. They've got a pretty good Renewables group up there in the frozen north, and I've been trading emails with a Professor Barthelmie. In summary, the list I linked a few days ago was last year's, but they didn't get anyone to fill it so the place is still open (and still carries a stipend of more than twenty thousand dollarz per annum).

Most of the researchers up there are from "environmental science" or geography backgrounds, which means they're hazy about vectors and break out in cold sweat when they see verbs and numbers all jumbled together in a fixed-width font. What this project really needs though is someone who can think about Navier-Stokes equations and who spent their childhood writing things like
10 print"Nathan is awesome"
20 goto 10

They also said that self-effacing jokes, while traditionally regarded as counter-productive in a CV, demonstrated a chutzpah that is welcome in Caledonia, and that I should write again in May. That's kind of awkward since it means I won't even be able to apply until after other places would want to have had a confirmation or rejection, but I suppose I'll figure it out as I go along. Edinburgh certainly comes lower on my list than a suitable department, should it exist, at Oxford or MIT.

We shall see!

Sunday, December 10, 2006

I got plans

Definite: Be in Oxford by this time next week.
Strong: Be in Oxford by Tuesday night.
Probable: Edinburgh is my Safety now.
Possible: I will study climate modelling with the elven smiths of old in the land of Valinor.