The Bran Report

It's good for parts of you that you'd probably rather not think about.

Saturday, May 05, 2007

It's like there's a party in my mouth and everyone's hacking at the walls

I have developed two mouth ulcers. They show up every so often and hang around for a week or two, souring my outlook on life. This seems to be a hereditary thing, so I'll mark it as the first of th Three Woes my paternal DNA will probably subject me to1. I call them Jimminy and Monstrous. Because they are partly caused by rubbing on my teeth (Jimminy on my lower left canine and Monstrous on an upper right incisor, if you're interested), holding my lips in any kind of normal human position is painful. So is talking, eating and smiling. Consequently I have spent all day in a simian grimace. On the plus side, at least this makes it extremely unlikely that anyone will want me to kiss them soon.2

My dinner tastes of blood. Sigh.

1. Early baldness and gall stones on the way! Woohoo!
2. I hate to disappoint. I hate to disappoint due to mouth wounds even more.

Friday, May 04, 2007

Use these phrases today

1): Love that dare not speak its name:
This phrase is awesome because it's only a few generations old, but is hilariously antiquated. These days, we not only dare speak its name but it's the basis of several network TV franchises and at least one major motion picture.

2) Spendocrat:
Paris and I had a conversation in which I said I'd vote for the Lub Dems in the Crappington West council election. Paris asked what party favour aboltion of the welfare state and closing the borders, on the grounds that poor people don't work hard enough and that parts of Leicester don't feel like England any more. I'm fairly confident that neither of us voted, though, as it was yesterday*1. Let's call it a draw.

3) Nine-eleven
You may skip this one if you're not running for office. If you are, the phrase is Nine eleven nerver forgive. Wait, I mean never forget. Ha, don't make that mistake. People will think you lack the proper Muslim virtues. Crap. No. Christian virtues. Geez, this is why I'll never get into government.

*1. I worked from 9 to 9 (Like I did the day before, and will do again today). She is just loosing the ability to distinguish day and night by sleeping for four-hour snatches throughout the 24, and subsisting entirely on cigarettes and snakebite.

Sunday, April 29, 2007

This was actually just a list of points I wanted to cover, but it says it all.

Topic: windflowers
Wizards: The Grey Towers
Pay: bus driver.