Shillings and pence

OK guys. I have decided what you should call money from now on. No more of this "ten pee" nonsense.

Penny and Tuppence are obviously givens.

Next, it starts to get controversial. The five-pence-piece is going to reclaim its status as a shilling. I know that "Back in the day" a shilling would buy a pint of bitter, a pack of cigarettes and bus fare home but anyone who remembers the pre-decimal years is used to being ignored by now.

Now, when American films refer to a nickel-and-dime operation, we can subtitle it with "shilling and pence".

I don't know why we don't already refer to the other silver coins as a rose and lion.

50p becomes the half-crown. I know a crown isn't a pound, but who uses crowns anymore? Norweigans and nobody, that's who.

The pound coin is already a quid, but from now on I want you all to refer to the bimetallic two-pound coin as a doubloon.

A five-pound note is an old lady, or blues in plural.

A Ten will be a Darwin, or finches in plural.

A Twenty will be an Elgar.

A fifty-pound note will be called a red flag.

Pass it on.