The Bran Report

It's good for parts of you that you'd probably rather not think about.

Thursday, August 02, 2007


I had a variety of objectives in mind when I stopped shaving. One of them was saving a few minutes every other morning. I have achieved this admirably. Another was to acquire a nickname taken from the Star Wars franchise, and this was accomplished partially. A third was to get some kind of enhancement bonus to WISDOM, but it turns out that real life doesn't work that way and looking back on it, I do recall coming up with this plan while staring at a gallon of milk.

I've had this hair on my face for a little over a year now, and since there are still no signs of magical powers, I can only assume that I have learnt as much from it as I am going to.

I am going to shave on Sunday, August the 12th.

What should a man do when he knows he'll only be bearded for ten more days?

(I regret to inform that "take a plane" is unlikely to be achieved. It looked sketchy when I was late for my ship and thought I'd have to buz into John Lennon International and say "Hi, I'm a haggard bearded young adult travelling alone without luggage. Any chance you can sell me a one-way ticket to Belfast with no advance booking on this fine Friday midnight?" Fortunately, it turns out that Norfolk Line Ferries employ much more lenient check-in staff than Ryanair do.)


At 4:15 am, August 03, 2007, Blogger ck215 said...

Beards do, however, allow you increase your intimidate check. And they're itchy, too.

At 12:10 am, August 04, 2007, Blogger Peter said...

Have you gone mad, man? Sure, your CHA will increase with women. But is that really worth losing your stately image? Instead of shaving, I think that you should adopt a new image. Instead of Graduate Student, you can keep the beard and go for:
1) Longshoreman (excellent choice)
2) Former President of the United States/Senator
3) Former member of Parliament
4) Knight (this would require you to go mustache happy)
5) Terrifying hermit (this would require you to stop trimming)
6) Sinister (shave your head and keep the beard closely cropped)
7) Sam Beam (learn to play Iron and Wine songs)
8) Jupiter Blitzkrieg (wear a helmet with a visor bearing a swastika)
9) DMFQOTMD (shave, but always glower menacingly)
10) Choose your own. But I think you're making an awful mistake. Or maybe not. Sadly, polite society will reward you for your beardlessness.

At 4:56 pm, August 04, 2007, Blogger Nathan said...

My CHA will increase with women you say? SOLD!


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