The Bran Report

It's good for parts of you that you'd probably rather not think about.

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Call me Ishmael

Excerpt from "Possible cool names to adopt next time I move cross-country":

Ishmael
Pro: Every introduction is now an opportunity to make a cultural reference.
Con: I don't like living in hostility towards all my brothers1.

Quigon
Pro: Qui-gon Jinn is super awesome.
Con: But a bit credulous, when you get right down to it, and you hate credulity
Con: Also, you were only ever called that by one person for a few weeks, so you'd be reaching to claim "People call me..."
Con: The less said about Episode One The Phantom Menace, the better.

Kyot
Pro: Medieval chic
Pro: Implies a well-read background
Con: Pronunciation reminiscent of expectoration
Con: Constant need to spell it for people
Con: Sounds slightly like a mushroom?

Hamburger
Pro: Subtle anti-war statement
Con: Not sexy

Taiga
Pro: similar enough to "Tiger" for jokes, but distant enough that people will not suspect that this is my motivation
Con: Do I really want to be named after a biome?


1. Does this joke reveal that all my biblical jokes are NIV? It's a shame, because the KJV is always a comfort and friend to the dark legions who stand at the edge of darkness.2

2.Talking of the edge of darkness, man! I got really sidetracked today, didn't I? I'm a regular old clarkson when I've had too much sugar, apparently.

4 Comments:

At 11:34 pm, April 19, 2007, Blogger Maxwell Edison said...

My mum did this. No joke - she changed her name from Sarah to Sara. Actually, that's a lie - it was spelt Sara, which is the Welsh spelling of Sarah and is pronouced 'Sarah', but when she moved to England, she gave it up.

Another example of Welsh words being English words spelt wrong.

 
At 12:03 am, April 20, 2007, Blogger Maxwell Edison said...

Also, you forgot a few potential names.

1. Knut/Canute
Pro: From the Danish word for knot.
Con: There just aren't any.

2. Steiger
Pro: Steiger is totally the coolest policeman in Neighbours right now.
Con: Steiger is a policeman out of Neighbours.

3. Jesus, as in 'Jesus the Mexican Boy, born in a truck on the 4th of July'.
Pro: People will think you're mexican.
Con: People will think you're mexican.
Con: Iron&Wine fans will expect you to give them a card with a picture of a naked lady on the side.

4. Ajax
Pro: He was AWESOME.
Con: He killed himself, and then had toilet cleaner named after him.

5. Maryanzebeth
Pro: You can tell people it's short for Nathan.
Con: Nobody will get either of the two references there. (Scrubs, Blackadder.)

 
At 4:12 am, April 20, 2007, Blogger ck215 said...

If you're going to any name with Greek origins, I'd use Aiax instead of Ajax. It has more of an "odd" factor. (There is no reason for odd to be in quotation marks.)

Hows about;

1. Draco
Pro: It's Greek.
Pro: It's dragon related.
Con: It's Harry Potter related.
Con: You'd be named after the worst tyrant ever.

2. Chandler
Pro: You'd fit in nicely with a large group of children 13 years old and younger.
Con: You'd be named Chandler.

3. Bob.
Pro: Ease of use. "Call me 'Bob'."
Con: None. There is no con to "Bob".

 
At 10:33 am, April 25, 2007, Blogger Maxwell Edison said...

I thought about this for a moment when I was trying to get to sleep and came up with the most excellent name of them all: Epithet.

Pro: Sounds generically 'foreign' enough to pass yourself off as being from any country in the world.
Pro: If someone ever tries to call you 'The Great Epithet', you can say 'Hey! I've already got an epiphet!' to which they will reply 'but which one is the epithet? Is it epithet? I'm so confused, Nathan I don't like you any more and now I'm going home' and then you'll get the whole buffet to yourself.
Pro: Your DJ name is sorted. DJ Epithet.
Con: Nobody's really going to call you 'The Great Epithet'.

 

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