Dear Loughborough,

You are just the dumbest town I have ever met.

I'll admit, at first I thought you were being ironic. Then, I though you were being subtly ironic. Then, I thought you were very committed to your joke.

Then you told me that PDFs were unacceptable and that "real people" used .doc format.

Then I realised that this town is full of physiology students who drink and smoke heavily and drive the half-mile to McDonalds.

Then you had a gun-battle in a crowded night-club.

The furore surrounding Big Brother 8 conformed to the pattern I had begun to dread.

Today, you stole my bike. Now, it wasn't the most desirable bike, I know. When I bought it several months ago, I decided not to pay for a lock on the grounds that it would be more valuble than the bike itself. Thus, my bike has been casually propped on street corners and campus roads for the last nine months.

Today, I broke my bike in half. Literally, I "stepped on it" in order to accelerate up a hill, and snapped the rusty axle in two. A pedal hit the road with a mournful "clonk". Being the dutiful type, I pushed it the rest of the way to work and set about stacking shelves for hours.

Today is the day you chose to steal my bike: a bike that, very obviously, cannot be ridden.

Congratulations.

Your pal,
William of Occam